It was my husband’s birthday this week and as I was awake earlier than him I decided to give him a birthday bundle. I’ve slept in the kids room since birth so invaded ‘his’ bedroom and gave him a scratch on my back. I stopped. ‘Ah don’t stop I haven’t had a back scratch in ages’. I replied ‘aww are you feeling neglected?’ His reply ‘yes’ in jest but part of me couldn’t help but feel that it was slightly tinged with honesty.
Babies change your relationship. Babies change everything.
I’ve had the sense for a while that the husband hasn’t been enjoying it, particularly last week during the second playtime of the day when he exclaimed ‘play time again!?’ Followed shortly by ‘I’d rather go to work’.
He adores his children but he’s been use to nearly forty years of doing his own thing. I don’t want to go into the debate on this subject however he is an only child and has had his own way a lot of his life. It’s a tough change to get use to for him, for anybody.
It’s also difficult because during the week he gets home and has to contend with the bedtime routine. Probably like most parents. For children 5pm onwards is awful, they tend to go into meltdown, what I call the ‘Witching hours’. To be at work all day and come home to two screaming children isn’t rewarding.
I found difficult when he said he wasn’t ‘enjoying’ fatherhood. I’m glad he’s honest, most wouldn’t be but it’s sad to know he doesn’t love it like I do. I hope in time when they’re older he will start to love it like me. That doesn’t mean to say he doesn’t love them because he does. He does dote on them.
We have lots of squabbles. But parents won’t be surprised to hear this. It ranges from whose responsibility it was to do that to you’ve had free time jealousy. Time is a precious commodity when your a parent. Admittedly when the girls take a day time nap part me always wishes it was that bit longer which is selfish I know but I’m just being honest.
I know he has the up most respect that I do it day in and out. It’s tough job being a patent, particularly being a multiple mum because as the mum’s at twins group said this week ‘it’s relentless’, there’s hardly any free time. He’s brilliant with them, very patient, and always on hand to help when he’s home even if he’s not always eager to. But he too misses his own freedom like I do. I’ve realized we’re lucky that they have started to sleep through most nights which for a lot of twins doesn’t happen very much.
He does questions why I choose to have time alone with my children when I could get support and have an easier time. I’m very lucky that I have a lot of support but I choose to be alone twice a week with the girls. Why? Because I want to have that nurturing time. Again I realize how lucky I am to get the offer and the support I do.
I’m a creature of habit and like a set routine. I love my days at home with planned feeds, play, etc. I’m so bad that with one of the electronic toys I have to play it in a particular order. When the husband button mashes it, it drives me insane that I have to leave the room and close the door. When one of them skips a nap or the order of feeding gets out of whack it makes me feel very discombobulated so having them alone ensures that my weird quirks are adhered to without judgement and am able to do it on my terms. I mention this because when you have two of them it is quite systematic and I imagine having one is not as much.
The ‘said’ toy
At times we get irritated with one another, and that is normal. If I’ve learnt anything from this time is that as soon as they start to sleep (babies) I think it’s important we make time for each other. To have couple time, remember who we were before the children, remember we’re still those people and remember to not neglect each other. We need each other and love each other.
Have you and your partner had difficulties since becoming parents? Have you overcome it and how? Do to relate to any of these issues. And as always thanks for reading.